Does this blog help you?

I don’t know what to write.

It seems so selfish to be focusing on my story when my Dad might die soon, or in 18 months.

But my story is important too. As I said before I knew I wanted to write my story almost as soon as I woke up from sedation. I knew that few people knew what it was like to be under sedation. And I knew I had to tell people that.

I wrote on scrap paper the nurse gave me, about sedation, I wrote my my diary when my parents brought it to me, I wrote in my diary at home, I tweeted and I started this blog.

My Dad is gasping for breath in the next room. He gasps in pain every so often. He’s slowly losing his energy and his health.

This isn’t the first person I’ve seen die. As I said in my previous blog post, I worked with palliative care. I was 22 years old. I wanted to help people, the more they needed help the better.

I didn’t realize how hard it would be.

I do now. Unfortunately I do now.

Mom and I were sitting on the bed in her room, when she asked me if I wanted Dad to die at home or in a hospital. Apparently he was given the choice.

For Dad I want him to die at home. Although I actually wasn’t with anybody the moment they died, I spent 4 hours a day with a woman that was dying. We visited. She told me about her young adulthood, and showed me pictures taken after things she had accomplished, like graduations, and weddings and things.

I listened, got to know her and her family, and did those things that needed to be done, like bathroom assistance, and answering the families questions about services available.

I went to the library, and tried to sign her up for large print book service because her vision was going, but I wasn’t a family member and the person at the desk wouldn’t let me even collect forms for the family.

It was hard watching her get sicker and sicker.

But it as hard as it was for me, it was harder for her family, because they loved her. I was just an observer.

Four hours a day became eight hours a day, became 0 hours a day because she went to a private hospice.

And then she died.

I know how difficult it can be to watch somebody die. I don’t know what it is like to lose a parent, because right now, both my parents are alive.

For Dad’s sake I want him to live at home until death. I want to afford him that ability.

When my mother was in the hospital, my brother asked why I visited her every day. “The nurses can take care of her.”

“But they don’t love her like we do”, I responded.

He said nothing.

I know what it’s like to be in the hospital, and I know how important visitors are, because I spent a lot of time in the hospital as a child.

So the question is: what is this blog to become? Is it selfish to continue it, writing about me, and only me, throughout Dad’s illness? And honestly you’re going to have to tell me that. You the reader. I need your feedback.

I have always wanted to help people, and that has been demonstrated through the post secondary courses and degrees I’ve perused, the jobs I’ve had, the caregiving I’ve done for family (unpaid) and strangers (paid), and this blog.

I want to make life better for other people.

Is this blog doing that? As a reader of this blog, does it help you in your work, or in your personal life? Does it help you understand and treat your patients?

I’m being brutally honest here. Life might get harder for my family. And there will be times that I will give my all, and feel very very guilty for focusing on myself and my story.

But if it’s going to help you and your patients, I won’t feel so guilty for focusing on me and my storey, and not Dad and Dad’s story, in the writing of this blog.

Or maybe you might want to hear about Dad and his storey too. Maybe I can write about both?

I’ve been stuck with the blog. I’ve been stuck because I don’t remember what exactly happened next in the storey, and I don’t know how to tell it in a coherent way. I know what happened next, but sometimes things are out of order.

Maybe I should just write what I remember, and not try to put it in any order.

I don’t know. I’m really making myself vulnerable here, because maybe it’s not helping you, and maybe it is helping you and as things go on in my family, I will be unable to continue a blog I feel obligated to do.

I need your thoughts and comments.

Please share your thoughts and comments in tweets, or on this blog in the comments section.

And just a note about tweets and retweets. I saw this ridicules discussion on a talk show. They said if you like somebody’s tweets, and posts too often, you are “cheating on your spouse.” Balderdash. If I like your tweet or post, it’s because I liked what you have to say. If I retweet it, it’s because I like it enough I want other people to read it. If you like or retweet my stuff, I assume the same thing. Tweeting has nothing to do with romance. I just wanted to get that nonsense out of the way, in case anybody else saw the same talk show and hesitates to likes or retweet myself or thinks that my likes or retweets are romantic. Feel free to like and retweet all of my tweets and blogposts. I will not take it in a romantic or stalking way. That’s just pure balderdash.

Note: I did not spell check this either. It’s being posted 2 seconds after it’s being written. I just wanted to ask, and post it before I run out of courage.

Conclusion: What do you want this blog to be about? Is this blog helping you?